Laugh, It's Funny

Spray-Your-Beverage-On-The-Screen Moments

Wayne Hartman — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 01:11:23 GMT

Ever had one of those moments when you about spray food or drink all over your computer screen when you see or read something? Yeah, this is one of those:

What is 'The Cloud'?

Wayne Hartman — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 02:38:46 GMT

Larry Ellison, CEO of Oracle, tells it as it is, tongue in cheek, of course.

Our industry is so bizarre. They just change a term and they think they've invented technology. You can't just come up with "let's just call that 'cloud'" and it sure beats innovation.

King of the Invertebrates

Wayne Hartman — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 04:28:05 GMT

Research has found that a certain species of octopus have the ability of using tools, in this case, two halves of a coconut. One Slashdot reader, upon hearing the news, decided to rewrite a favorite Monty Python skit:

OCTOPUS GUARD #1: Halt! Who goes there?
PULPO: It is I, Pulpo, son of Leggus Tentaclus, from the castle of Cephalot. King of the Invertebrates, defeator of the Squid, sovereign of all the Ocean!
OCTOPUS GUARD #1: Pull the other one!
PULPO: I am. And this my trusty servant Sucksy. We have ridden the length and breadth of the ocean floor in search of invertebrates who will join me in my court of Cephalot. I must speak with your lord and master.
OCTOPUS GUARD #1: What, ridden on a horse?
PULPO: Yes!
OCTOPUS GUARD #1: You're using coconuts!
PULPO: What?
OCTOPUS GUARD #1: You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together.
PULPO: So? We have ridden since the Titanic sunk onto this land, through the kingdom of Laurentian, through--
OCTOPUS GUARD #1: Where'd you get the coconut?
PULPO: We found them.
OCTOPUS GUARD #1: Found them? In the Laurentian Abyss? The coconut's tropical!
PULPO: What do you mean?
OCTOPUS GUARD #1: Well, this is a temperate zone.
PULPO: The dolphin may swim south with the sun or the humpback whale may seek warmer climes in winter yet these are not strangers to our land.
OCTOPUS GUARD #1: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
PULPO: Not at all, they could be carried.
OCTOPUS GUARD #1: What -- a dolphin carrying a coconut?
PULPO: It could grip it by the husk using its blowhole!
OCTOPUS GUARD #1: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of grasping ability! A dolphin has no means to carry a 1 pound coconut.
PULPO: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that Pulpo from the Court of Cephalot is here.
OCTOPUS GUARD #1: Listen, in order to maintain the ability to breathe, a dolphin needs to keep its blowhole free from obstruction, right?
PULPO: Please!
OCTOPUS GUARD #1: Am I right?
PULPO: I'm not interested!
OCTOPUS GUARD #2: It could be carried by a Great White shark!
OCTOPUS GUARD #1: Oh, yeah, a Great White shark maybe, but not a dolphin, that's my point.
OCTOPUS GUARD #2: Oh, yeah, I agree with that...
PULPO: Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Cephalot?!
OCTOPUS GUARD #1: But then of course Great White sharks are not migratory.
OCTOPUS GUARD #2: Oh, yeah...
OCTOPUS GUARD #1: So they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway... [clop clop]
OCTOPUS GUARD #2: Wait a minute -- supposing two dolphins carried it together?
OCTOPUS GUARD #1: No, they'd have to have it on a line.
OCTOPUS GUARD #2: Well, simple! They'd just use the stipe of a bull whip kelp!
OCTOPUS GUARD #1: What, tied to the dorsal fins?
OCTOPUS GUARD #2: Well, why not?

Windows 7 Party Pack Arrives

Wayne Hartman — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 00:07:55 GMT

And it is every bit as cheesy as it sounds.

Among other things I get a free copy of Windows 7 Ultimate, a puzzle, a deck of cards and napkins (napkins?!). I'm not sure that I particularly care for the 'Signature Edition' containing Monkey Boy's John Hancock, but I'm raffling it off anyway. I've assembled the tote bags (last pic below) that include coupons for discounted software from Norton, Kaspersky, Corel, etc. Check out the unboxing:

OCD #36: Those Who Type 'http://'

Wayne Hartman — Fri, 04 Sep 2009 14:46:29 GMT

I have a sister whose educational background is in psychology (she's currently getting a masters degree) who claims that we all have (on some level or another) obsessive compulsive disorders. One thing that absolutely drives me nuts are people that take the time to type http:// when typing in a web address. Or they use their mouse to select a URL sans the http:// and delete it, believing that they have to have the protocol there in order for the Internet Gods to direct them to the correct website.

News flash: YOU DON'T HAVE TO TYPE THE HTTP PART! All modern browsers assume that you are using the HTTP protocol when typing in a URL in the address bar! That's seven characters you don't have to type! STOP THE INSANITY! Just type the address and because your browser loves you so much, it will automagically add the http:// for you. Now, when you're going to an FTP site, yes, you have to have the ftp:// part. When watching an MMS stream, you have to explicitly type mms://--that's perfectly normal because you're telling the browser that the address you want uses a different protocol. But please, do your fingers a favor and save those seven keystrokes for something more productive.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled blog post.

URL Shorteners Are Evil, And Why I Have One

Wayne Hartman — Tue, 11 Aug 2009 04:01:15 GMT

Url shortening has been around for quite a long time, but it has exploded due to the popularity of Twitter. Money tends to follow the popular so dozens of URL shortening services sprang, seemingly overnight, to fill the gap. The first to go down for the count, tr.im, decided to throw in the towel due to mounting costs that are associated with running what is essentially a redirecting service. I'm not sure what the business model is for these sites, except that they have a goldmine of information to what people are linking and sharing with others. Apparently, tr.im couldn't figure it out, either.

Failed business models aside, this brings up an interesting topic of discussion concerning link rot. The age old problem with the Internet is that everything depends on linkage to sites or pages that may no longer exist. This problem mushrooms when people become dependent on these URL shortening services that go belly up. Instead of link rot existing as a natural phenomena that occurs over time, we can now have link cancer when these services go away. When the service dies, the links go with them.

The logical conclusion, then, is this: why not have sites publish through their own internal URL shortening services? I did just the same with my own site, waynehartman.com, and purchased a short domain name for publishing my own short URLs. I figure that if my site or online persona goes belly up, it doesn't matter much if my short URLs go with me.

The problem I ran into was that I could not just get any short domain name. They have all been snapped up. I had to settle on misf.me. I came up with the acronym Make It Short For.Me. I would have preferred to get a two or three letter domain name, but it appears that most (if not all) have been gobbled up by domain squatters.

At any rate, my $10 domain name is now purchased and the site for creating my short URLs is forthcoming. Goodbye, Bit.ly.

Say 'No' To Tatiana Del Torro

Wayne Hartman — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 14:26:18 GMT

So I'm a closet American Idol watcher. Last season was the first season I watched, but more importantly it turned out to be something that my wife and I could watch together without the other one cringing or outright leaving the room.

So with the thirty six contestants picked, there were two real upsets. First, Jamar Rogers. The guy obviously had great talent and a great voice so it came as a great surprise that he got ousted by the judges. My wife was so disappointed that her eyes got all teary eyed up. It's a shame because I think he would have gone far in the competition.

And then there's Tatiana. Every time that I see her onscreen my fists ball up and I turn to my wife and tell her I just want to bop that girl on the head. Why is she so repulsive? To me the American Idol competition is about finding the best--not just the best voice, but finding the best artist. I think one of the finer qualities of last year's winner, David Cook, was his enduring humility. He took his licks from the judges well and when showered with praise, he did not let it go to his head. Tatiana is completely the opposite. She's a very self-centered, over-the-top, selfish brat. She has a decent voice, but she really lacks the polish of someone who could really make a career in the biz. So, calling all Idol fans everywhere, for the love of all that is good, DO NOT VOTE FOR HER--SAY NO TO TATIANA DEL TORRO!

Invisible Cars Are A Bad Idea

Wayne Hartman — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 23:31:54 GMT

The other day while going to work, some guy decided to change lanes while I was turning right onto a busy street. As I completed the turn, he came out of no where, honking, and narrowly dodged my car. So, what's wrong here? Well, number one, he didn't use a turn signal. Two, it's illegal to make a lane change in an intersection. Three, he wasn't even paying attention.

So this leads me to one conclusion: invisible cars are a bad idea.

Think about it for a minute. Having an invisible car would pretty cool for doing a bank robbery, speeding on a highway, or looking cool without having to show off to everyone. But, it's bad enough when people can see you, let alone when you're invisible to them. So, Mr.-Illegal-Lane-Change-And-I'll-Honk-At-You-Because-I-Can, I apologize for not turning off the invisibility cloak of my car. I'll just make sure I can read your mind the next time you decide to break the driving rules.

I Think FedEx Wants My Business...

Wayne Hartman — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 03:05:00 GMT

I've gotten a few goofy emails lately, but today I got one that really made me laugh. This one's from FedEx. I highlighted the areas that made me laugh the most.

From my experience with outbound shipping at my current employer, DHL has been pretty lousy, but I didn't know FedEx would ever make such a bold move to poach customers. What's particularly interesting, is that I have never received any unsolicited emails from FedEx in the past.

My Ode To Doctors

Wayne Hartman — Thu, 09 Oct 2008 21:55:00 GMT

I hate doctors. Even more than lawyers. Yes, they are way worse.

In a doctors office, you are stuck sitting amongst the sickly of society. You have no idea who they are, what the have-- could it get me sick?!

I don't know of any service that when you make an appointment, you could be stuck waiting for a very long time. It's not like taking your car to the shop. At least there you can drop it off and go do things. Doctors don't acknowledge you, don't respect you enough to keep the magazines stocked and updated, and if you are late, you literally have to pay for it. How about paying me if they don't start my appointment on time?

Those annoyances aside, the thing that kills me the most is how little doctors really know and understand our bodies and the diseases that afflict them. They can guess and have limited ability to troubleshoot, but in the end they haven't a clue about the things that ale us. Which is fine, because let's face it, our organism is one of the most complex and specialized structures we know of. It's just galling that doctors give off this air of authority and knowledge, exerting great care to make sure the perception of wisdom cloaks the truth of anatomical ignorance.

I guess more than anything, I would be satisfied if my doctor would just admit his lack of true knowledge, confess that he really doesn't know--then I would be satisfied and placated that the enormous and exorbitant amounts of money spent on snake oil was indeed misspent and mistrusted on a so called 'health care provider'.

At least with the lawyer, the premise of uncertainty of outcome is firmly established.